The Power of Continuously Modeling Empathy, Even When Students Resist

Smart Sam (not her real name) knew she was bright.

It was the first thing she wanted people to know about her. And she wasn’t wrong.

But it didn’t exactly help her middle school social status.

Sam knew she had a gift. And maybe she thought that was all she had to offer. So she held onto it tightly, reminding others of her intelligence whether they asked or not, either unaware of the social cost, or not quite knowing how to do it differently.

In our weekly Social Eyes improv group, we always begin the same way: sitting in a circle, practicing our Breath Conductor exercise.

It’s simple, it’s quiet, and it teaches students to pause before doing anything else.

Each week, as different students led the breathing, Sam would roll her eyes just enough to be seen. She wasn’t disruptive, but she wasn’t subtle either.

It was her way of saying, “This is dumb.”

While she wasn’t breaking the rules, she wasn’t letting herself be part of it. And that’s okay. Because students don’t always practice the skill before they need the skill. They sit and observe. 

And sometimes, they take in more than they let on.

One day, something shifted with Sam. She raised her hand and said, “I’ll lead it.”

No announcement.No explanation.Just a different choice.

And if you weren’t paying attention, you might have missed how big that moment actually was.

Was she suddenly sold on breathing exercises?

Probably not, yet. But it meant she was beginning to soften and connect with the group.

About ten minutes later, as our school social worker stepped out with a migraine, Sam said something I hadn’t heard from her in the four years I’ve known her.

“Hope you feel better.”

She wasn’t trying to impress. She was empathetic and kind. 

Sam reached connection because people modeled it around her over and over again, and it finally sunk in. That’s a moment we’re actually working toward. If you’ve seen this shift in a kid before, you know how much it means.

In your experience, what helps kids become connected? Let me know in the comments below!